One of the most common problems in marriage is sexual intimacy. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Divorces often occur over sex…If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, p. 329) I can testify that the words of the Prophet are true. As a lawyer I have seen many couples whose want to divorce. When they talk about their relationship, many of them say they have not having sex for months, or even worse, they are sleeping in separate rooms. Unless the couple wants to improve their sexual intimacy relationship, among other things, they will end in divorce.

Why sexual intimacy can be a problem in marriage? Sean E. Brotherson explained that there are “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for sexual fulfillment in marriage, specifically,

• Ignorance. President Hugh B. Brown, /(1960) said “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (You and Your Marriage, 1960, pp. 73, 76)
• Inhibition. “Refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one’s thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love”
• ill will, “Ill will” is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship.”
• Immorality. Some example are pornography, and infidelity, (Sean E. Brotherson, Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage)

What can we do to improve our sexual fulfillment in marriage? I believe the understanding of the doctrine on the purpose of marital sexuality can help us to fight against the four horsemen for sexual intimacy in marriage, and love our spouse with all our heart, mind and body. The Family a Proclamation to the World established that “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” Sexual intimacy is not a sin, but a commandment in marriage and has four purposes.

Purpose of Marital Sexuality

1. Becoming One. God said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:22) Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said that the sexual union is a “welding…in matrimony a physical blending [symbolic of a] large, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise… a symbol of total union…of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.”
2. Connection with God. The sexual union between husband and wife represent a sacrament that “invites and welcomes the presence of God” (Gadner, 2002. P5) Elder Holland taught, “Sexual intimacy is…a symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours… Indeed, if our definition of sacraments is that act of claiming, sharing, and exercising God’s own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all –women or men- ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non Latter-day Saint- than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation.”
3. Strengthening bonds. Sexual intimacy strength the emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that it is a way of expression of love for our partner. He said, “There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join…in an expression of love”
4. Bring children into a family. “Be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28) was the first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve because the family is central in the Plan of God. Only through “sacred powers of procreation” it is possible to conceive and bring the children of Heavenly Father to earth.

I know that the understanding of the doctrine on sexual intimacy will help us to seek knowledge about sexuality, to feel confident about the sacredness of sex in marriage, to change our ill will to reject our spouse, and will help us to be clean in mind and act to honor and love our spouse, to accomplish our goal to have an eternal marriage.

 

 

Charity: The Key to Have a Heavenly Marriage

John M. Gottman taught that all marriage have perpetual problems, but when a spouses can´t find a way to solve them “the result is a gridlock.” The issues in conflict are “basic difference in personality or lifestyle preference” Does it sound familiar to you to have some gridlocks in your relationship with your partner?

Characteristics of Gridlocked Disagreements

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can adress the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your believes, values, or sense of self. (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 236-237).

What is your answer to the question? And if you ask to your spouse, what would he or she answer? After read the four characteristics my answer is definitely yes. I have some gridlocks and I know my husband has too, but what can we do to cope with our gridlocks?

Many therapists could say that communication is the key, but I learned that the real key is charity. H. Wallace Goddard said, “Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” The Book of Mormon explains that charity is the pure love of Christ. I wonder, How can I purely love my husband as Christ has loved me? How can I see him as Christ sees him? I would like to be a charitable wife for my husband. What can I do to have the gift of charity? Moroni said, “…Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ…” (Moroni 7:48) What wonderful words! Again, Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love. Can we feel the strong invitation to be humble and recognize that only through the help of our Heavenly Father we can love in a perfect way?

If you are having some gridlocks that you can´t solve, I invite you to pray with all the energy of your heart to be filled with this love, charity, to love your spouse with the same love Jesus has for you. I invite you to appreciate more the virtues and strengths of your partner, cover his imperfections with your charity and don’t try to change him. Gottman said, “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible.”

I know that just through following Jesus Christ example and praying with all the energy that our heart is possible to have, we will be filled with the kind of love He has, charity. My marriage got better when I asked God to love my husband, when I accepted him as he is, then all the things changed in my marriage. I could see in my husband his divinity, I could recognize that I had to clean my heart. I am very grateful for my husband. He is my life. He is the best man in the world, he is my best friend and I want to be with him for all the eternity.

Have you thought to consecrate your life to your spouse?

Wallace Goddard, PhD taught, “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p. 103)

Every couple whose wants to have a celestial marriage must pay the price by living a celestial law, in other words, the Law of Consecration. President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the up building of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion.” (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 1988. p. 121)

We build the kingdom of God when we have strong marriages, and when we consecrate our lives to God and unto our spouse. I am not only talking about to sacrifice our pride, part of our money or time, but to “dedicate our two lives to a holy purpose” putting all we have on the altar to make our spouse the happiest person in the world and to rescue him/her giving all we are and have to him/her. Both husband and wife are committed to helping each other achieve the fullest possible development.

I remember a couple that worked to have everything they needed and wanted. The husband and the wife earned their own money, but they were not willing to share it one another. They were not submitting their will to God and neither each other. They were not one in marriage because they were not willing to consecrate their money, their talents, love, and lives to each other because their love for money was stronger than the love for their marriage. They had a perpetual problem with money.

Sister Barbara B. Smith said, “Consecration in marriage comes when both husband and wife are committed to helping the other achieve the fullest possible development.” (A Safe Place for Marriages and Families, Oct 1981) Commitment to God, commitment to the covenants, commitment to our marriage is what we need to consecrate our life and create a holy marriage.

As Christ, or Isaac who consecrated their life to God, can I offer my life to God and to my family? Can I put myself on the altar to love my husband as Christ has loved me? Can I let to judge my spouse to show him acceptance and admiration? I would be proud if I said I can do it for myself, but through the atonement of Jesus Christ and His help we can consecrate with devotion our life to our family. I know it.

Challenge

I would like to invite us to follow the challenge Dr. Goddard (p. 111-112) invites us to do:

• For 30 days show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner.
• For 30 days set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner.
• For 30 days rather than count the cost, consider seeing the investments as Paul did. He said, “I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:8)

I am sure we will find happiness if we consecrate our life to our family. I am sure that if we strive to work in the challenge our marriage will be blessed with peace and love.

Have you thought about the way pride affects your marriage?

President Ezra Taft Benson explained clearly what pride is. He said, “The central feature of pride is enmity –enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition…The proud make every man their adversary pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others.” (Beware of Pride, April, 1988). Can we recognize in us the enmity toward God or our spouse?

The proud offended easily, and is tempted to elevate above others and diminish them. He or she doesn’t accept the influence of others, doesn’t share power, and doesn’t listen to opinions. Some faces of pride are selfishness, contention, and disobedience to authority. Pride is what destroys marriages and families.

The four horsemen of Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) are constantly used by the proud. H. Wallace Goddard, PhD said, “Every serious relationship will get to the point of desperation. At some point we know our partner well enough to be irritated and to know that the sources of our irritation are not likely to disappear…” (p. 75) Are we constantly irritated with our spouse? What can we do with our marriage? We can choose to divorce, we can choose to “smolder in sullen resentment,” or we can repent. The key has been given by President Benson, “The antidote for pride is humility –meekness, submissiveness.” We can change our “natural and proud spouse” to a “saint spouse” through the atonement of Jesus Christ. We can put our pride on the altar of sacrifice and change our hearts to love our spouse as God loves him/her.

 

Some years ago, when I was a newlywed, I read “Beware of Pride” by President Benson. While I was reading I recognized some of the pride’s characteristics in my husband, until I arrived to the phrase “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” It was like an “ice bucket” on me. I needed to change my heart, repent from pride’s sin and not correct my husband, but accept and love him, listening to his counsel, and giving him more love! Of course, I have failed many times, but we are trying to build a happy marriage. That is the reason I have to read over and over this article to repent over and over.

I hope we could make some changes in ourselves to respect and honor our spouse to become eternal families.