Bernard Poduska said, “We do not enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of “baggage” with us…we bring our levels of self-esteem, our willingness to adapt to change, our attitudes toward life, and our expectations and values”  (Till Death Do Us Part, chapter 2)

When I chose to marry my husband, I thought that our life would be very easy and happy, because we were two returned missionaries. Soon I learned that marriage was wonderful, but the time of adaptation to a new family was not an easy task. My husband had different implicit and intuitive rules than me. We worked a lot to accept us as we were and to define new rules for our new family. Marriage councils were a tool to talk about our goals and our rules.

On the other hand, I didn’t think about the impact that would have our families of origin in our marriage, sometimes mothers-in-law wanted to advice us how to educate our children, or like my mom who called me at least 5 times a day. There were hard moments with our mothers-in-law, but I remembered the words of Elder Octaviano Tenorio who said, “If the Holy Ghost has confirmed that your boyfriend is the one, when you will get married and the problems will come, you will know that the solution is not divorce, but repentance. The Holy Ghost is a God and He is never wrong.” I am very grateful for those words that helped me to improve my relationship with my husband and my mother in-law. She was a wonderful woman. My husband has been very patient with my family. He has accepted me as I am, but has enhanced my life too. We have formed a strong family with our own rules and an eternal perspective.

I am committed to be a good mother-in-law for my future son and daughter-in-law. I commit to help them in their marriage and not be intrusive or trying to advice them how to live their lives, but just loving them.

Pregnancy is a great blessing for the spouses. Every week it is an amazing experience while the baby grows. However with pregnancy there are some changes that couples experience in their relationship. For some couples pregnancy helps them to strengthen their bonds, but in other, if the husband and, or wife focus only on the baby, one of the spouse could feel abandoned.

In another hand, when the baby is born, if the couple’s relationship is not so strong, the husband will pass to a second place. It is a cause for many and eternal problems in marriage.

What can you do to keep your marriage strong during pregnancy and while raising children?

10 Tips to Pregnant Marriages

1. While you are pregnant share with your spouse the dates with the doctor. If it is possible, your husband could stay with you when the baby is born, it will be a wonderful experience for both.
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration for your husband. He needs to listen you are still in love with him.
3. Turn towards your spouse. There are more things to talk than the baby or children, and listen to him with attention.
4. Strengthen your sexual intimacy with your husband. Sex doesn’t hurt the baby. Even when you are going to be very tired taking care of the children, please take the time to show your love to your husband. He must be your priority.
5. Have a date night every week. It will help you to enhance your marital relationship.
6. When it is the time to educate and discipline your children, be one with your husband. Don’t argue in front of them.
7. Never go to bed if you are angry with your husband. Learn how to have marriage councils.
8. Pray with and for your husband. Study the scriptures together and make that family home evening could be a tradition in your family.
9. Go to the temple frequently. Remember the ordinances will help you to strength your marriage.
10. Over everything, I plead you put God and your husband in the first place.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave uno his wife; and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) It is maybe one of the most misunderstanding commandment given to the man. I would have liked to learn more about this subject when I was a newlywed because I was very cleaved to my mother. I wanted that my husband could be like my brothers; of course those were hard moments. It is difficult to stay between your mother and you husband. I think that the great problem is not in our parents or brothers and sisters, but in us as wife who does not understand the doctrine of marriage and the commandment to cleave to our husband and none one else.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17).

I was very sorry with my husband because in the beginning of our marriage sometimes the influence of my mother and brothers were more important than my husband. Fortunately, he was very patience with me. I could change and turned toward my husband. The understanding of the doctrine of marriage, and the atonement of Jesus Christ  were the keys to become one in my marriage. I love my husband and enjoy to spent time with him more than with any other person in this life, even my relatives.

I promise to teach this doctrine to my children, so they can understand the commandment, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave uno his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” I hope to be a good example for them about how to become one in marriage.

One of the most common problems in marriage is sexual intimacy. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Divorces often occur over sex…If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, p. 329) I can testify that the words of the Prophet are true. As a lawyer I have seen many couples whose want to divorce. When they talk about their relationship, many of them say they have not having sex for months, or even worse, they are sleeping in separate rooms. Unless the couple wants to improve their sexual intimacy relationship, among other things, they will end in divorce.

Why sexual intimacy can be a problem in marriage? Sean E. Brotherson explained that there are “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for sexual fulfillment in marriage, specifically,

• Ignorance. President Hugh B. Brown, /(1960) said “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. “The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” (You and Your Marriage, 1960, pp. 73, 76)
• Inhibition. “Refers specifically to an avoidance of dealing with one’s thoughts, feelings, desires, or behaviors related to sexual functioning in marriage. Many husbands and wives who have an adequate understanding of sexual matters in marriage still struggle to overcome negative thoughts or feelings associated with the expression of sexual love”
• ill will, “Ill will” is a catch-all term for emotional or verbal abuse, inattentiveness, apathy, isolation, anger, or other forms of negativity that couples may practice and thus perpetuate a cycle of ill feeling and willful hurt in a marriage relationship. No aspect of marriage is more sensitive to emotional upheaval than the sexual relationship.”
• Immorality. Some example are pornography, and infidelity, (Sean E. Brotherson, Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage)

What can we do to improve our sexual fulfillment in marriage? I believe the understanding of the doctrine on the purpose of marital sexuality can help us to fight against the four horsemen for sexual intimacy in marriage, and love our spouse with all our heart, mind and body. The Family a Proclamation to the World established that “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…” Sexual intimacy is not a sin, but a commandment in marriage and has four purposes.

Purpose of Marital Sexuality

1. Becoming One. God said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:22) Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said that the sexual union is a “welding…in matrimony a physical blending [symbolic of a] large, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise… a symbol of total union…of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.”
2. Connection with God. The sexual union between husband and wife represent a sacrament that “invites and welcomes the presence of God” (Gadner, 2002. P5) Elder Holland taught, “Sexual intimacy is…a symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours… Indeed, if our definition of sacraments is that act of claiming, sharing, and exercising God’s own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all –women or men- ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non Latter-day Saint- than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation.”
3. Strengthening bonds. Sexual intimacy strength the emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that it is a way of expression of love for our partner. He said, “There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join…in an expression of love”
4. Bring children into a family. “Be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28) was the first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve because the family is central in the Plan of God. Only through “sacred powers of procreation” it is possible to conceive and bring the children of Heavenly Father to earth.

I know that the understanding of the doctrine on sexual intimacy will help us to seek knowledge about sexuality, to feel confident about the sacredness of sex in marriage, to change our ill will to reject our spouse, and will help us to be clean in mind and act to honor and love our spouse, to accomplish our goal to have an eternal marriage.

Charity: The Key to Have a Heavenly Marriage

John M. Gottman taught that all marriage have perpetual problems, but when a spouses can´t find a way to solve them “the result is a gridlock.” The issues in conflict are “basic difference in personality or lifestyle preference” Does it sound familiar to you to have some gridlocks in your relationship with your partner?

Characteristics of Gridlocked Disagreements

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can adress the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your believes, values, or sense of self. (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 236-237).

What is your answer to the question? And if you ask to your spouse, what would he or she answer? After read the four characteristics my answer is definitely yes. I have some gridlocks and I know my husband has too, but what can we do to cope with our gridlocks?

Many therapists could say that communication is the key, but I learned that the real key is charity. H. Wallace Goddard said, “Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” The Book of Mormon explains that charity is the pure love of Christ. I wonder, How can I purely love my husband as Christ has loved me? How can I see him as Christ sees him? I would like to be a charitable wife for my husband. What can I do to have the gift of charity? Moroni said, “…Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ…” (Moroni 7:48) What wonderful words! Again, Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love. Can we feel the strong invitation to be humble and recognize that only through the help of our Heavenly Father we can love in a perfect way?

“Pray with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love…”

If you are having some gridlocks that you can´t solve, I invite you to pray with all the energy of your heart to be filled with this love, charity, to love your spouse with the same love Jesus has for you. I invite you to appreciate more the virtues and strengths of your partner, cover his imperfections with your charity and don’t try to change him. Gottman said, “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible.”

I know that just through following Jesus Christ example and praying with all the energy that our heart is possible to have, we will be filled with the kind of love He has, charity. My marriage got better when I asked God to love my husband, when I accepted him as he is, then all the things changed in my marriage. I could see in my husband his divinity, I could recognize that I had to clean my heart. I am very grateful for my husband. He is my life. He is the best man in the world, he is my best friend and I want to be with him for all the eternity.

Have you thought to consecrate your life to your spouse?

Wallace Goddard, PhD taught, “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p. 103)

Every couple whose wants to have a celestial marriage must pay the price by living a celestial law, in other words, the Law of Consecration. President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the up building of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion.” (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 1988. p. 121)

We build the kingdom of God when we have strong marriages, and when we consecrate our lives to God and unto our spouse. I am not only talking about to sacrifice our pride, part of our money or time, but to “dedicate our two lives to a holy purpose” putting all we have on the altar to make our spouse the happiest person in the world and to rescue him/her giving all we are and have to him/her. Both husband and wife are committed to helping each other achieve the fullest possible development.

I remember a couple that worked to have everything they needed and wanted. The husband and the wife earned their own money, but they were not willing to share it one another. They were not submitting their will to God and neither each other. They were not one in marriage because they were not willing to consecrate their money, their talents, love, and lives to each other because their love for money was stronger than the love for their marriage. They had a perpetual problem with money.

Sister Barbara B. Smith said, “Consecration in marriage comes when both husband and wife are committed to helping the other achieve the fullest possible development.” (A Safe Place for Marriages and Families, Oct 1981) Commitment to God, commitment to the covenants, commitment to our marriage is what we need to consecrate our life and create a holy marriage.

As Christ, or Isaac who consecrated their life to God, can I offer my life to God and to my family? Can I put myself on the altar to love my husband as Christ has loved me? Can I let to judge my spouse to show him acceptance and admiration? I would be proud if I said I can do it for myself, but through the atonement of Jesus Christ and His help we can consecrate with devotion our life to our family. I know it.

Challenge

I would like to invite us to follow the challenge Dr. Goddard (p. 111-112) invites us to do:

• For 30 days show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner.
• For 30 days set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner.
• For 30 days rather than count the cost, consider seeing the investments as Paul did. He said, “I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:8)

I am sure we will find happiness if we consecrate our life to our family. I am sure that if we strive to work in the challenge our marriage will be blessed with peace and love.

Have you thought about the way pride affects your marriage?

President Ezra Taft Benson explained clearly what pride is. He said, “The central feature of pride is enmity –enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition…The proud make every man their adversary pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others.” (Beware of Pride, April, 1988). Can we recognize in us the enmity toward God or our spouse?

The proud offended easily, and is tempted to elevate above others and diminish them. He or she doesn’t accept the influence of others, doesn’t share power, and doesn’t listen to opinions. Some faces of pride are selfishness, contention, and disobedience to authority. Pride is what destroys marriages and families.

The four horsemen of Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) are constantly used by the proud. H. Wallace Goddard, PhD said, “Every serious relationship will get to the point of desperation. At some point we know our partner well enough to be irritated and to know that the sources of our irritation are not likely to disappear…” (p. 75) Are we constantly irritated with our spouse? What can we do with our marriage? We can choose to divorce, we can choose to “smolder in sullen resentment,” or we can repent. The key has been given by President Benson, “The antidote for pride is humility –meekness, submissiveness.” We can change our “natural and proud spouse” to a “saint spouse” through the atonement of Jesus Christ. We can put our pride on the altar of sacrifice and change our hearts to love our spouse as God loves him/her.

The Antidote for Pride is Humility

Some years ago, when I was a newlywed, I read “Beware of Pride” by President Benson. While I was reading I recognized some of the pride’s characteristics in my husband, until I arrived to the phrase “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” It was like an “ice bucket” on me. I needed to change my heart, repent from pride’s sin and not correct my husband, but accept and love him, listening to his counsel, and giving him more love! Of course, I have failed many times, but we are trying to build a happy marriage. That is the reason I have to read over and over this article to repent over and over.

I hope we could make some changes in ourselves to respect and honor our spouse to become eternal families.

In this changing world where marriage seems to be a “disposable thing” for selfish causes, it is urgent to learn and teach our families about the doctrine of marriage and to provide an eternal perspective. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that faith is a principle of power and action, so it is precisely faith that gives us the eternal perspective, and it opens our vision to eternity and gives us hope to work for an eternal marriage.

Why is it important to put God first?

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives. (The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988).

When we put God in the first place and increase our faith in Jesus Christ it is easy to try to be like Him, so we may see our spouse with another eyes, with mercy and love. We may know that our marriage is our school to learn how to become as our Heavenly Parents are, so we strive to become a perfect spouse. Then we are not trying to change our husband or wife, we strive to turn toward our marriage, attending the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of our partner.

How to turn toward your spouse?

 John M. Gottman said that turning toward each other is a virtue that “operates under a law of positive feedback– like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results…Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”

One way to turn toward our husband or wife is honoring our covenants, don´t give up, don´t turn away when things are not the way you thought; instead, turn toward God for His help, exercise the faith and work to turn toward your spouse. The Holy Ghost will help you to turn toward your partner and by the next exercises you can improve your relationship.

1. The Emotional Bank Account. Thank and recognize him/her for turning toward you. “The goal is to make small improvements by noticing how your partner has been turning toward and giving.”
2. “The Stress-Reducing Conversations. “Reunite with your spouse at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” Active listening is crucial to the conversation, so apply the next rules when you converse with your husband or wife.

• Take turns.
• Show genuine interest.
• Don´t give unsolicited advice
• Communicate your understanding.
• Take your partner´s side.
• Express a “we against others” attitude.
• Show affection.
• Validate emotions.

It is amazing how much we can enhance our relationship exercising the faith in Jesus Christ and turning toward our spouse. I am grateful for two wonderful books, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John, M. Gotten, PhD. because they have helped me to see more and more virtues in my husband. I thought that my love for my husband could not increase more because I love him with all my heart, but after three weeks of reading and applying the teachings of these books I feel more admiration for my husband. I am turning toward him more deeply and I feel more connected to him, I love him much more every day. We have an eternal perspective for our family because God is in the first place in our life.

what will you do to turn toward your spouse?

Sacrifice in Marriage

Adam and Eve received the commandment to obey the commandments and offer the firstlings of their flocks. “And after many days an angel of the Lord appeared unto Adam, saying: Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not, save the Lord commanded me” (Moses 5:6). It is clear that Adam and Eve had developed a great faith in the Lord, and they were willing to obey His commandments, sacrificing their firstlings of their flocks. After that they learned that their sacrifice was “a similitude of the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of the Father, which is full of grace and truth.” (Moses 5:7) 

 Our Heavenly Father sacrificed His son, for He loved His children, and Jesus Christ was willing to sacrifice His life and submit His will to the will of His Father. What great examples of love we find in our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and Adam and Eve!

I try to imagine the affliction of God watching His beloved son suffering for us, but even though, He had mapped the Plan of Salvation and through the atonement of His Son accomplished His work “…to bring to pass the immortality and the eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

I try to imagine the pain of Jesus Christ suffering for our sins, asking His father, “If thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” His agony was so hard that His “sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground” (Luke 22 42,44). He had submitted His will to the will of His father. He is our great example of sacrifice.

How may we follow their example of sacrifice? What are we willing to sacrifice for the sake of our marriage? What are we going to put on the altar of sacrifice?

Some of the sacrifices we might offer could be selfishness, pride, negative thoughts, our love for money, pets, games, sports, relatives, etc. H. Wallace Goddard, said, “Each of us should pray for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships. As we enter our homes, we can use to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving kindness with which He views them. In so doing, we place our time, our minds, and our hearts on the altar. That is the ultimate offering, the required sacrifice. Making this sacrifice is the heart and soul of the required obedience.” (Drawing heaven into Your Marriage, p. 44)

I am grateful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.I love Him more than I can say. I have learned that faith, obedience to the commandments, and sacrifice are fundamental to build a successful marriage. I want to see my husband as He sees him. I want to love my husband as He loves him. I want to put my life in the altar for my marriage. I want to be like Jesus.

There are many books and marriage therapists inviting couples to save their marriage though developed technics to improve communication and conflict resolution, but is it all you need to make your marriage work? No, even when those things are important to make your marriage work, you will need more than only to learn to talk and listen actively, and to solve problems. The key is inside of you. The Lord taught, “Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.” (Alma 60:23) It is the same in marriage. The first step is to change our ”natural spouse” to the “saint spouse” through the atonement of Christ. (Mosiah 3:19)

Some examples of “natural spouse” are negative interactions in marriage. Dr. John M. Gottman has studied and data marriages for more than four decades. He has recognized that couples with serious difficulties in the heart of their marriage have four attitudes in their discussions that destroy marriage.

 “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

1. Criticism. It “expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other´s character or personality. Some forms of criticism expressions are: Why are you…? And “you always”, or “you never.”
2. Contempt. It is “a sense of superiority over one´s spouse. It is a form of disrespect.”
3. Defensiveness. Is a way of blaming your partner, or a way to appear as the “innocent victim.”
4. Stonewalling. “The stonewaller tends to look away or down without uttering a sound, and acts as though he/she couldn´t care less about what you are saying, if he even hears it.”

Can you recognize some of those attitudes in your discussions?

Wallace Goddard, PhD in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage said, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (p. 15) Again, the key is in you.

Let me explain how to become a saint spouse. Understanding and living the principles of the Jesus Christ gospel “softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriage” (Brother Britley) . When you are willing to leave the “natural spouse” to convert in a “saint spouse” then the Holy Ghost will help you to become as “a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” When the “natural spouse” die the “saint spouse” born, then you can help your spouse following the patterns of Heavenly Rescue through the principles established in The Family: A Proclamation to the World that said: “Successful marriage and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

I believe in marriage. I know we can become eternal families through understanding our sacred role as spouse and applying the gospel principles.