In this changing world where marriage seems to be a “disposable thing” for selfish causes, it is urgent to learn and teach our families about the doctrine of marriage and to provide an eternal perspective. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that faith is a principle of power and action, so it is precisely faith that gives us the eternal perspective, and it opens our vision to eternity and gives us hope to work for an eternal marriage.

 

Why is it important to put God first?

President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives. (The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988).

When we put God in the first place and increase our faith in Jesus Christ it is easy to try to be like Him, so we may see our spouse with another eyes, with mercy and love. We may know that our marriage is our school to learn how to become as our Heavenly Parents are, so we strive to become a perfect spouse. Then we are not trying to change our husband or wife, we strive to turn toward our marriage, attending the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of our partner.

How to turn toward your spouse?

 John M. Gottman said that turning toward each other is a virtue that “operates under a law of positive feedback– like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results…Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”

One way to turn toward our husband or wife is honoring our covenants, don´t give up, don´t turn away when things are not the way you thought; instead, turn toward God for His help, exercise the faith and work to turn toward your spouse. The Holy Ghost will help you to turn toward your partner and by the next exercises you can improve your relationship.

1. The Emotional Bank Account. Thank and recognize him/her for turning toward you. “The goal is to make small improvements by noticing how your partner has been turning toward and giving.”
2. “The Stress-Reducing Conversations. “Reunite with your spouse at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” Active listening is crucial to the conversation, so apply the next rules when you converse with your husband or wife.

• Take turns.
• Show genuine interest.
• Don´t give unsolicited advice
• Communicate your understanding.
• Take your partner´s side.
• Express a “we against others” attitude.
• Show affection.
• Validate emotions.

It is amazing how much we can enhance our relationship exercising the faith in Jesus Christ and turning toward our spouse. I am grateful for two wonderful books, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John, M. Gotten, PhD. because they have helped me to see more and more virtues in my husband. I thought that my love for my husband could not increase more because I love him with all my heart, but after three weeks of reading and applying the teachings of these books I feel more admiration for my husband. I am turning toward him more deeply and I feel more connected to him, I love him much more every day. We have an eternal perspective for our family because God is in the first place in our life.

what will you do to turn toward your spouse?

 

Sacrifice in Marriage

Adam and Eve received the commandment to obey the commandments and offer the firstlings of their flocks. “And after many days an angel of the Lord appeared unto Adam, saying: Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not, save the Lord commanded me” (Moses 5:6). It is clear that Adam and Eve had developed a great faith in the Lord, and they were willing to obey His commandments, sacrificing their firstlings of their flocks. After that they learned that their sacrifice was “a similitude of the sacrifice of the Only Begotten of the Father, which is full of grace and truth.” (Moses 5:7) 

 Our Heavenly Father sacrificed His son, for He loved His children, and Jesus Christ was willing to sacrifice His life and submit His will to the will of His Father. What great examples of love we find in our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and Adam and Eve!

I try to imagine the affliction of God watching His beloved son suffering for us, but even though, He had mapped the Plan of Salvation and through the atonement of His Son accomplished His work “…to bring to pass the immortality and the eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

I try to imagine the pain of Jesus Christ suffering for our sins, asking His father, “If thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” His agony was so hard that His “sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground” (Luke 22 42,44). He had submitted His will to the will of His father. He is our great example of sacrifice.

How may we follow their example of sacrifice? What are we willing to sacrifice for the sake of our marriage? What are we going to put on the altar of sacrifice?

Some of the sacrifices we might offer could be selfishness, pride, negative thoughts, our love for money, pets, games, sports, relatives, etc. H. Wallace Goddard, said, “Each of us should pray for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships. As we enter our homes, we can use to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask Father to help us see our partner and his or her struggles with the loving kindness with which He views them. In so doing, we place our time, our minds, and our hearts on the altar. That is the ultimate offering, the required sacrifice. Making this sacrifice is the heart and soul of the required obedience.” (Drawing heaven into Your Marriage, p. 44)

I am grateful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.I love Him more than I can say. I have learned that faith, obedience to the commandments, and sacrifice are fundamental to build a successful marriage. I want to see my husband as He sees him. I want to love my husband as He loves him. I want to put my life in the altar for my marriage. I want to be like Jesus.

 

 

There are many books and marriage therapists inviting couples to save their marriage though developed technics to improve communication and conflict resolution, but is it all you need to make your marriage work? No, even when those things are important to make your marriage work, you will need more than only to learn to talk and listen actively, and to solve problems. The key is inside of you. The Lord taught, “Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.” (Alma 60:23) It is the same in marriage. The first step is to change our ”natural spouse” to the “saint spouse” through the atonement of Christ. (Mosiah 3:19)

Some examples of “natural spouse” are negative interactions in marriage. Dr. John M. Gottman has studied and data marriages for more than four decades. He has recognized that couples with serious difficulties in the heart of their marriage have four attitudes in their discussions that destroy marriage.

 “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

 

1. Criticism. It “expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other´s character or personality. Some forms of criticism expressions are: Why are you…? And “you always”, or “you never.”
2. Contempt. It is “a sense of superiority over one´s spouse. It is a form of disrespect.”
3. Defensiveness. Is a way of blaming your partner, or a way to appear as the “innocent victim.”
4. Stonewalling. “The stonewaller tends to look away or down without uttering a sound, and acts as though he/she couldn´t care less about what you are saying, if he even hears it.”

Can you recognize some of those attitudes in your discussions?

Wallace Goddard, PhD in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage said, “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (p. 15) Again, the key is in you.

Let me explain how to become a saint spouse. Understanding and living the principles of the Jesus Christ gospel “softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriage” (Brother Britley) . When you are willing to leave the “natural spouse” to convert in a “saint spouse” then the Holy Ghost will help you to become as “a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” When the “natural spouse” die the “saint spouse” born, then you can help your spouse following the patterns of Heavenly Rescue through the principles established in The Family: A Proclamation to the World that said: “Successful marriage and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

I believe in marriage. I know we can become eternal families through understanding our sacred role as spouse and applying the gospel principles.

 

 

 

For the world, Marriage is a legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them.

In the “Plan of God” marriage between a man and a woman is essential to our eternal destiny. Heavenly Father wants to give all He has to His children, but only by keeping all the covenants and achieving the Temple ordinances marriage and families can be exalted.

“And in order to obtain the highest, (exaltation), a man must enter into this order of the priesthood (meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage) D&C 131:2

Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught, “The parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they´re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bounds by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent…Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other.” (Ensign, Nov 1996, 26)

Three wolves every marriage will face repeatedly

  

1. The Natural Adversity like illness, death, natural disasters, job loss, etc.
2. The own imperfections. In marriage is normal to have some conflicts because we are two persons different in backgrounds, culture, wants and needs, and weakness, but when we can learn how to involve our Heavenly Father to solve our conflicts, and apply the principles of faith, respect repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, and work we can strengthen our marriage relationship, we may become one with our spouse and have happiness in our families.
3. Excessive individualism. Pride and selfishness are the principal characteristics of excessive individualism.

My Experience: I remember when I got just married; I wanted to re-design my husband, change some of his behavior I did not fully like him. I remember to ask God His help for the change in my husband. What I learned in that time through prayer, is that I was very selfish, thinking only in my desires, but who needed to change was me. I needed to be humble, to change my prayers and to ask God for His help so I could change the way I was seeing my husband. When I started to see him as a sacred man, a son of God; honoring his Holy Priesthood, with more virtues than weaknesses, and with the potential to become as God is, all things changed. I started to trait him with more love and respect, and then those “imperfections” I didn´t like of him ceased to be important. We learned to pray together, not to complain about each other, but for our covenant marriage. Along, with time and effort, we are improving our eternal relationship. We love each other more deeply, with more understanding of our covenant marriage. I am sure I am a very, very imperfect woman, but I am grateful for my husband who always has loved me so much and has helped me to understand the doctrine of family and be one in our marriage.

It is easy to run when one of the wolves attacks the marriage. The false door is divorce. In contrast, covenant marriage focus in Jesus Christ and strive to love each other in every circumstance.

Elder David A. Bednar (2006) said,

“The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfect in Him” (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together. “ (Ensign, June 2006)

The Covenant Marriage Relationship

Elder David A. Bednar

 

                                                      

Spiritual resources to strength your marriage

1. Learn and understand the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation.
2. Receive the Atonement of Jesus Christ to resist all the attacks from the adversary.
3. Pray together.
4. Learn to serve and cherish one another.
5. Become one in your marriage.
6. Give your 100 percent to your spouse.
7. Pass time together.
8. Assist to the Temple frequently.
9. Keep your covenants.